340 Glover Road

To promote the home health program to other counties, the home health liason at the office asked a few questions to each therapist, which included, "Why do you enjoy about home health?".  I was in a hurry to get out of the office and proceed to my patient when I was asked to place my answer in the liason's box before I leave.  I gave a quick answer which read: " I enjoy doing home health because it challenges me to work within the environment of the patient".  Sloppy answer.  I will not win in a pageant with that kind of thinking. 

I was filling in for a therapist on leave for this week.  I attended her patients who are mostly in the middle of nowhere, far from the city.  Today, I saw one of her patients one last time.  As we are about through with the session, he asked where I was from.  I told him, just like his regular therapist, I am from the Philippines.

A veteran of WWII, he was in the Philippines and served two years.  He still remembers places he's been, specially at the northern part of Luzon, the Pangasinan area.  He recalls Rosales, Pangasinan very well.  I never asked why but, he told me that he was part of a batallion who took charge in building a road going to the mountains.  I only had one bet.  It must have been the road going to Baguio City.  His faint memory of other names and places did not validate my guess. 

What was definite for him was that from Clark Air Base in Pampanga, they were brought to Lingayen Gulf in Pangasinan to leave for the US as the was was over.  He said he came home on December 27th.  It was two days after Christmas.  Faint recall of events made it hard to patch things together.  But I should remember to thank this soldier of his service to peace and to my future.  An now,  repay him.  After the treatment, I left to head to my next patient.  Something got hold of me and I came back.  I said I forgot the thermometer.  But in reality, I just said my "thank you" and gave him a salute most deserve.

Elegy at the Country Graveyard

It was a rainy morning.  I have made an appointment to Leon’s sister  to come and visit his grave.  I left early to get flowers from a local supermarket.  I thought of red roses, for love. Too bad, there was none at the first store I went to.  I got a black satin ribbon to tie the roses I was supposed to buy. 

Determinted to get roses, I went to Fuquay-Varina to a higher end supermarket.  Thankfully,there were some.  I got home but I did not get the roses out of the car.  I planned on telling no one of my itenerary for the day. 

At 12 noon, I started to get ready.  I was about to get out of the house when I ralized that my housemate is at my neighbor’s house.  I am sure she will be mad if I just leave without notifying.  Nevertheless, I left and just sent a text message that I did leave. 

I went to the office to arrange the flowers I got.  Then, I headed to Clinton.  I want to go to via the route I usually go to.  So I passed my old apartment, got to highway 24, interstate 40 then to exit 380.  The  route was so familiar.  I decided to to ahead and not do the shortcut.  I wanted to go as I would have when I first went to Leon’s house to do the admission sometime in December 2007. 

His sister greeted me.  She was walking with a quad cane.  It was Leon’s.  I was the one who ordered it in 2008.  We talked about Leon’s passing.  She told me about how Leon did not make his family know that he was sick.  My heart broke as I imagined him sitting and waiting at the doctor’s office alone when he has an appointment.  I wish I could have been there for him.  It was last Friday of May 2009 when Leon was very sick and weak.  His sister said that she has to call the rescue squad to transport him to the hospital.  They tried to revive him multiple times and cannot leave his home until he was stable enough for transport.   They never knew what was wrong with him.  He never told anyone.

His sister told me that it was July 4, 2009 when he let his family know of his sickness.  It was a guarded restriction on information.  I came to learn that he had a brother who succumed to cancer years ago and Leon has seen the difficulty he has gone through. 

He had multiple myeloma.  A kind of cancer of the blood.  He received treatments in Greensville where he was subsequently discharged to an ALF in Rose Hill.  His sister said that he stayed there for a month before he passed.  I had a two weeks off on the month of September with nothing to do.  If I could have known, I would have been there for him.  My last day to go to the Burgaw office was October 4, 2009.  That was his last too.

His sister recalls that she was called at the ALF as they said Leon was ill and had EMS to rescue.  His sister said that she was about to go to attend church that day and have turned to the ALF.  At the ambulance, she rode and have checked Leon.  There was no air coming from his nose.  There was no beating on his chest.  She knew he was gone.  Still, the rescue squad have tried to revive him.  He was put on a ventilator, she remembers.  Declared him dead the following day.

We set to go to his grave.  Leon’s close neighbors came with us.  I remember Russ.  He used to come and visit before.  At Leon’s gravesite, I placed the flower I arranged.  I said a prayer and have said my goodbye.  I am somehow at peace.  I have been to his grave.  I held back my emotion.

His neighbors have invited us to go to dinner.  I came along with his sister at a local Mexican restaurant.  I have imagined eating out with Leon.  I could only wish. 

We came back to Leon’s house.  I came to know that his sister will under hip replacement surgery on May 2.   And probably, she will have a knee surgery three months after.  His sister took  care of Leon when he was sick.  Probably, my coming over was his was of making sure his sister is looked out for.  And Leon, I promise you, I will.  I will make up for the time that I should have given you, should I have had the courage to call you. 

Before I left, I requested permission to create an arrangement for Leon’s grave.  His sister said Leon will be pleased.  If only she knew how much relief and pleasure I got when she said yes.  I also asked for a picture of Leon.  I would want a remembrance of him.  I plan to keep it in a capiz frame from the Philippines.  Just a keepsake between us.  I am glad that her sister agreed to send me one.  But I think I will get it when I visit her again after the surgery.  It is something I look forward to. 

Leon, I will see to it that you sister will be taken care of after her surgery.  For your kindness, I thank you for the pleasure of knowing you.  I love you, my friend. I whisper.

Leon

Today, I have just learned the passing of one of my favorite patients.  JLB of Rosehill, NC.  At the age of 60, he passed away last October 5, 2009 at Duplin General Hospital.

I have worked with him after his stroke.  He was one kind of guy who wants to think he was stronger than what he really was.  From using a walker to a cane to being fully independent, I have worked with him on long hours, mostly chatting.  I have enjoyed his company more than he knew.  I have told him stories about me and my country Philippines. I brought him dried mangoes exported from our country.  He really loved them.  Most of all, I enjoyed talking to him.  He was the first black person I have enjoyed time with.

I still remember how he taught me how to put the plowing part of the tractor together.  That was tedious and very heavy too.  I remember the old pick up he was trying to revive, the carpentry he did to do a work station for a computer, the old boat, the watermelons he was supposed to sow when I discharged him.  The last meal we had at Subway, when I drove him to Wallace to grab a bite.
At one time, I lent him my magic sing karaoke mic to have him have a view of what the Philippines looked like.  He was pleased.  I remember his stories about the army when he was stationed in Europe.
JLB, I vividly remember how I first met you.  You opened the door, unstable with your walk, holding on to the wall.  I am glad I admitted you.  I still recall us waiting for the assistive device coming from VA.  And I will not forget how you talked to my Operations Manager when she asked how I was doing with you.  When you complimented my work, she said that I seem to know what I am doing.  You replied, "He knows what he was doing".

JLB, here is what I know:  I know that I felt good when I was with you.  I have deliberately extended our treatment sessions, worked on Saturdays, scheduled you at the end of the day so I would not have to worry staying late at your home and chat long hours.  My heart knows how I have felt towards you.  I wish I could have visited you after I have discharged you.  I surely would have wanted to be with you more and talk with you without thinking about treatment.  I am glad to have been your friend.

JLB, you are loved, more than you knew. My memories of you will not fade.  You are one of a kind.  Rest now my friend.  I love you.

Contradiction

as you found your strength
with my guidance
i found comfort to rest my weakness
in your strong arms
a mild demeanor from a tough mind
a caring hand from an icy heart
complements in contradictions
humor in all the pain
bigot envious of freedom
caged from his feelings
waiting with bated breath
on a dream that will never be
coming home to a vast empty bed
lying thinking
waiting for time
numbing the longing
anticipating the dawn

Happy Easter!

RS have called earlier but I was not able to catch the call.  I was at church in Fuquay-Varina attending the Easter vigil.  I looked at my phone to see the post RS have posted at our high school batch page.  It was a picture of a former classmate whom we have been talking about before when he was here.  That was not what's important.  I sent RS a text message: "Happy easter keka.  Higit kaninu man keng kadahilanang ali mu balu. :-) ".  
He replied: "Hahaha. How sweet! Happy Easter! Ingat."

RS will never know why Easter is an important holiday for me for him.

I look forward to meeting RS again.  This time I hope we can spend time together and I will have the courage to tell him how I feel.  I am very thankful with how everything turned out since our infamous diary discovery encounter in that dreary December 1, 1991.
Again RS, Happy Easter to you....my Easter bunny!!!

Guess who's coming to dinner?!

It has been a while since I have written anything.  It must been that I was busy.  Certainly a lot has changed.  I have already moved in with a friend and were running kinda "Will and Grace" show for more than a year now.

This is something special not to write about.  RS came to NC for business.  And comes with that is the pleasure, certainly on my part as I have played host.  A lousy host perhaps.  Not much to offer in NC during these times.  He came on a Sunday, yesterday afternoon.  I got to pick him up at the airport.  Asked the information area on the recommended restaurant for tourists who would want to sample a great southern style food.  We went to The Pit at downtown Raleigh.  The restaurant had a good ambiance but the food hardly shined.  Nevertheless, it was ok to be sitting across RS finally just the two of us.  Having some laughs, doing some talking about our former classmates and what have you's.  But the best part was just really being there with him.  

This was someone who could have made my high school miserable.  Having found my diary from my locked bag (though, come to think if it, was easy to open), he was supposed to have been my bully.  This conversation has to come up during his visit.  For a while I was really trying to keep composure as he asked me if I was mad at him.  As I have said "no", I was trying to see if it was just an asnwer of being polite since everything was ok now, or it was some answer to keep away from the topic again.  I just think I really did not care about it anymore as I have not really cared about it then.  I am too comfortable with who I was, and did not want to be accepted by anyone.  I think what I wanted to say was that I did not need a validation that who I am is different.  I was a teenage gay guy who has started to have feelings towards some boys.  That's all.  He asked me if I was embarrassed.  I said no.  Perhaps if I were to relive it agan I would have said yes, but it has been too long that I don't really mind.  Bottom line is that I care about what he feels now about me.  

At one point he said he feels I am someone he thinks he can trust.  I was happy about that.  I am glad he sses me that way now.  He has certainly matured and still, I think I was graceful enough through all of it.  

RS will always be a person in my life that has made an impact.  What he did was not something I will forget.  It was not a good experience but I do not feel an inch bad about it.  I guess in time, what matters is the posibility of what the future holds.  I would never think in a million years during that time that I will have an encounter with RS, to be this close to him.  I am thankful that I have stayed and waited for this time to come.  It came as  a surprise, a sweet surprise indeed.