It Gets Better

Growing in an environment of religious family, learning in an all boys Catholic School, I have perceived that being gay was the wrong way to live.  What I have not seen was the love around me.

I never felt the need to come out.  I have always been the same old me.  Straight people do not need to come out and celebrate their being straight.  I am normal, just like anyone.  Just like anyone, I am different.

Everyone surrounding me tried to straighten me up.  I have admired their efforts now though I may not have understood  that time.  But you can't fix what was not broken.  Maybe they have just not read the manual.  I function differently.  What made me strong were the group of friends I have made.  We stuck together and have been strong for each other.  Highschool was complicated enough to have your sexuality be a burden too.  It did get me at times, maybe far more times than I  imagined.  But still, I am thankful for everyone who made me who I am today. 

With recent news about gay teen suicides, it dawned to me that I was lucky enough to have friends who shared my feelings and loved me for who I am without pretensions. They were crazy enough to jive with my craziness too.  And from that, I found my sanity. 

The http://www.thetrevorproject.com/ opens its door to the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth who finds it difficult to get through the harsh path at this time.  For those who feel alone and can't find one who would understand them, you'll be surprised on how many people love you and what the future will hold for you... just live long enough to see it.  It will get better.

13

It was thirteen years ago.  It seems like yesterday.


Vivid memories of my dad are an array of good memories. I am not a perfect son but, he was a perfect father.  I miss him a lot.

Big Brother 12

Hayden Moss just won $500,000 from the recent conclusion of Big Brother Season 12. This 24 year old college student from Tempe, Arizona got 4 out of the 7 jury votes.

Hayden is a member of the four man alliance called the Bra-Gade. This alliance was created on day two of the competition in the house. The members are Enzo “Meow-Meow”, Lane “The Beast”, Matt “The Brains” and Hayden “The Animal”. This is the only alliance that survived the competition till the end (at least for the three of them after they turned on their fellow member Matt).

Castings of votes were tight. The last member of the Jury, the recently evicted Enzo, got to cast the deciding vote for the winner.

224 Beaman

Tonight is the last night I will spend here in my apartment.  For more than three years, I have spent some valuable time in this place.  It may be the best apartment as compared with my friends, but it was once a refuge. 

This is where my boys and I hang out during weekends.  I will cook some good homecooked meals or experiment on something new.  This is where I prepard food I have brought on parties.  One New Year's Eve celebration was spent here.  Tonight, I will cook my last meal. 

I once shared the apartment with a friend until he moved to Virginia to be with his family.  His room has long been vacant and so will mine by tomorrow. 

It would be set in history.  Clinton was my home.

Bembol

For my untreatable growing addiction for bags, I gave myself an early birthday gift.  My second LV bag in Damier Graphite Canvas.  A mini model of a name I will never forget.

One morning after working in the graveyard shift from my last job, my car would not start.  My friends helped me fix it, but to no avail, it still would not start.  It was starting to rain.

A guy came up and helped us.  He said it was just dirty terminals of the battery.  He went to his car, got a piece of scouring pad and cleaned the terminals.   Viola!!  My car is fixed!!  I said my thank you and got his name.  That night, I came to the office with a mini chocolate mousse cake that I love.  It was a gesture of gratitude.  I asked the supervisor I know to provide me the screen name of the guy who helped me.  DLM.  I sent him an e-mail.  He replied.  In the following days, I found myself chatting with him.

He was suave.  He got his cool cocky moves.  I was demure.

It was a little payback time.  He asked a favor if I could help him go to his hometown in Laguna to bring his old computer and bike.  Since my vehicle was a pick up truck, I said yes.  It was my first time to go out with him.  He was still practically a stranger.  I was too trusting.  I was firm with my decision.  Nevertheless, I told VG about it.  He was surprised with my stupidity.  VG told me to be careful.  He then succumbed to my delusion and reminded me to send him the address where I will be going.  VG was protective.  Was he thinking that I will get raped?!

I met up with DLM, and we got to his apartment to get his things.  During the conversation, the wife topic suddenly came up.  What?! Again?!

There I was, still with a married man.  I played it cool.  Brushing off the details of his then troubled married life, I still enjoyed his company.  First stop was to get breakfast and drink my favorite green tea frapuccino from the starbucks where AL and I hang out.  Then, off to Laguna.

One of the things I hated about me has surfaced.  We got to the very narrow streets of his place.  We then have to walk a few blocks to reach their home.  It was not a pretty sight.  I am thankful that I was a member of the theater guild club in high school.  I was jolly on the outside.

He brought me around his childhood place.  He showed me his school, the market he used to go to and even bought some grilled bananas.  Fear factor.  I managed to finish it because his mom was watching.  Late afternoon came and I had to leave.  His family tried to talk me out of it but, people who knows me well would bet that I will leave.  And so I left. 

Odd day.  But I gained a friend in the process.  And today... his birthday.

Major Major

For the past eleven years, the delegate from the Philippines for the Miss Universe pageant has never entered the top 15.   The last Philippine beauty to make it to the finals was Miriam Quiambao.  She placed first runner up.  That was in 1999.  I remember that I went to AL's house and watched the pageant.  I skipped my licensure examination review for that day. 

It was not really about the Miss Universe pageant that's why I visited my friend.  It was actually his oath taking day for passing the Philippine Licensure Examination for Nursing.  He did not go.  I know how important this day was for him.  But his family, for unknown reasons til now, have bypassed it.  I don't really know.  It may have been that AL just did not like to go.  At that time, I know it will help to just be there for him.  Bonding time!   It was just very timely that the pageant was being aired live.  Spain, Philippines then, Botswana were called.  Miss Botswana was the first delegate they have sent and she won.

This year,  Maria Venus Raj was sent to represent the Philippines.  Despite the controversies that has come out of the inconsistencies the Binibining Pilipinas Charities have found on her birth certificate that caused her to be dethroned, Raj has fought hard to be reinstated.  She was the first winner who got dethroned and reinstated in the history of Binibining Pilipinas.

I was hoping she would win.  I made a pact with my friend that we will watch the Miss Universe next year live if Raj wins.  I was rooting for the poor girl from Bato, Camarines Sur, who lived in the middle of plain rice fields with no electricity, to win the prestigious event. 

For the pinoy gays, Miss Universe is like the Olympics, the World Cup, or the Superbowl.  They do devote their time and emotions to watch the pageant in the hopes that one day, the Philippines will take home the crown. 

Maria Venus Raj placed fourth runner up.  The judges may have felt her nervousness more than anything during the final interview.  The Filipinos who are very conscious of their grammar have made fond of her answer.  Asked by Stephen Baldwin on what is one big mistake she made in her life, and what did she do to make it better.  Her answer, "In my 22 years of existence, I can say there is nothing major, major, I mean, problem I have done in my life because I am confident with my family, with the love that they are giving to me".

One tough question to answer.  No one would dare expose their wrong doings in international events.

Given the same question, if  were in her shoes, I would have answered, "Recently, I was dethroned from representing my country in this pageant due to some inconsistencies with my birth record.  I have fought hard to clarify the issues and be reinstated to be the delegate of the Philippines.  Looking at my fellow Filipinos in the audience, there is only one thing on my mind right now.  And that is - I hope I can make my country proud.  (cue the tear on my left eye)". 

In Line

Today, I rushed to finish work as I have to get the computer I bought my sister for her birthday. To make my trip worthwhile, I decided to have an oil change until the geek squad finishes to ready the computer.

It was my first time to have the service done at Sear's at Triangle Town Center. Since I am to buy a present for a friend, I decided to do my shopping. Suprisingly, the wait to be attended was long and exceedingly slow. Lo and behold! There came man to fill the void of waiting! He was funny and has a good sense of humor. A good conversation with him will ease the painful waiting game. The convo went well until the wife bomb was let lose. Why do I always end up with the married men?!

Italiana Ristorante

After paying my rent, I saw a new restaurant in downtown Clinton where I live.  Italiana Ristorante.  A beacon of light since I am a pasta lover.   Just perfect.  I am hungry and I haven't been cooking in a while.

In a small town, you cannot avoid the fact that people know each other.  I was welcomed in the restaurant but, I think I was the only one who did not have a small chat with the maitre d’.  Who am I kidding?  He’s just the headwaiter. LOL.  It was also a first for me to eat in a restaurant by myself.

For starters, I asked for the list of reds for drinks.  To my surprise, no alcoholic beverages were sold at the restaurant so, I settled for the ever reliable old fashioned sweet tea of the south.  One of my favorites, Italian wedding soup and lobster ravioli were ordered.  At that time, the headwaiter discussed with me the art of mixing parmesan cheese with ground pepper to olive oil as dip to my bread.  Well, that’s alright.  He may be used to people coming in who do not know what to do.  Though, I still prefer basil and roasted garlic as dip than cheese.

The soup was a little disappointing because it has a lot basil that it already was lump of greens in my soup.  Meatballs were also missed.  Well, anyway, I still have my main course.  So I have let that pass.  Here comes my lobster ravioli.  Disappointingly again, the ravioli was meager with filling.  I barely tasted the lobster.  The sauce was too thin, and the pasta is doughy because it was a tad undercooked.  I was looking around and people who ordered the same stuff as I did were very delighted with what they got.  I bit my tongue for complaints.  I did not want to ruin the happy ambiance of the two month old restaurant.  Maybe I will just give them a heads up when I come back.  Truly, I would like to come back and try their veal. I may be surprised, you know.  In addition to that, I would also like to help my community in little ways I can.

My friends were telling me that I am not Chef Gordon Ramsay to critique the restaurant that is not seeking any Michelin stars.  I guess I was just carried away from watching Hell’s Kitchen.

Pedals

So, the plan I had yesterday didn't happen until today.  At least one of them.  I got my bike exercise machine for a reasonable price.  It would be better if I benefit from it. 

I went to the store and got it a little late at night so there won't be a lot of people in line at the cashier.  One downfall for that is not a lot of help from the store for manpower.  I carried the thing all the way to my car in a little push cart.  Nevertheless. I don't want to get pissed so I just shrugged that off. 

It took me a little over an hour to assemble it.  Barely had time to try it for a couple of minutes.  To my surprise, it was very quiet.  I mean, really quiet.  I could watch television or chat on the phone while I'm on it.  The break in will be tomorrow.  I am already tired now and need the much required sleep for my body.  Let's see how far I could go on that bike.

Here's to a better health for me!!!

I'm at a fork road of petty decision makings although, I am pretty much decided on what I plan to do.  First, due to my uncontrollable, unmanageable, disobedient weight gain, and maximizing the use of my expensive treadmill as a clothes hanger, I have decided to buy a stationary bike that I could use when I chat.  Riding while talking will be better than running while talking.  The latter really makes me out of breath.  I plan to buy it tonight, around midnight, when I have finished cleaning my place and working on my notes.  Knowing me, I may just be able to do one task. 

Secondly, I plan to be friendly with my neighbor.  He has approached me a couple of times already, trying to be friendly.  Let me take that back.  He may really just be friendly.  He had his birthday last July 4th.  Let's see if I could return the favor of being the friendly one.  Might as well just be a bitch, and that will come out naturally.  Darn, I have even forgotten his name.  Beer will be a major help for this task, or at least anything alcoholic.

Finally, I may learn how to say no to an invitation.  Sadly, the invite comes from my relatives in MI.  I know they will be all excited about this upcoming reunion and they are really all hoping that everyone can make it.  What made me stand up to them?  Cyndi Lauper. We have tickets for the blues album tour of Ms. Lauper.  This came in first, to be fair.  I can't resist hearing her classic hits, if she will be playing them.  I have already made plans with friends too.  And we are celebrating CL's birthday that day too.  Plus, my cousin will not be able to make it too.  And I plan to bring my mom and brother and sister to see me this November, so we can have another reunion.  (Granted that my siblings get visas.)  So, given that the excuses keep on piling, it's only easy for me to tip the high hopes of meeting my relatives.  But, I promise to make it up to them. 

No is one letter shorter than Yes. But it seems to be harder to express for me.

Friendshifts

When I came here in US, I bonded with a group of guys whom I have shared house with during the training period before we were off to our different offices.  We had different, extremely different personalities, but have managed to glue quickly.  The five of us have shared a lot of our firsts in this country.  It was an effort on my part to blend with them while trying to gauge their reaction to my lifestyle.

Among them all, I got along better with AD.  I may sound conceited, but I think I had the most influence as to his style in clothing, choice in food, and lifestyle.  I have seen him grow from his rural roots.  LOL.  Nevertheless, he is someone I enjoy being with. 

Rivalry among a group of men may not be very familiar to me.  Somehow this commaraderie have slipped into closely non-existent.  AD and BD had a misunderstanding that brought about deterioration to this group.  I, myself, am guilty of this break up when my college friends came and I have spent most of my time with them.  By this time, AD had found his girl.  Just a good timing.  I shared an apartment with AM, until he resigned from our company and moved to Virginia to be with his wife.

I still have managed to open my time, at least of what remains of it, for an old get together.  This never happened.  Sometimes I would still find myself spending weekends with AD.  An act that others who have just known us speculate that we were an item.  Jealousy may be, this has made me drift away from BD and RS (different from my RS in HS) as I have spent lesser time with them.  Eventually, DB and RS have shared an apartment and found a new group of friends.

I miss the group.  It may never be the same again.  AD has married his girl.  I keep in touch with him as much as I can.  DB works in the same office with me, though we seldom talk now.  RS will be joining our office in a few weeks.  He still is the same quiet boy, though disappointingly, turned to be colder with his affect.

One thing I have learned from this is how being passive with friendship has taken us apart.  I, too, have changed.  But I still miss them all.

Sugar Bear

It was late... very late in the evening and still RS called just to report that our HS principal has arrived in NJ.  I would have wanted to come and meet up with them, but I already have set plans for the long weekend.  I will be watching Adam Lambert's concert at the House of Blues in Myrtle Beach, SC.  The concert will be on Saturday, then by Sunday at 2 am, I should be ready to drive about 5.5 hours to attend a morning Christening of my friend's daughter in VA.  Hectic schedule?  You bet. 

Late night talks with RS have always been a rollercoaster, specially tonight.  I have seen a soft spot in him I haven't seen before.  He is one who regard friends dearly.  In return, he is vunerable to his feelings, that he is easily hurt by them.  The price for being a softee. 

I am more used to RS being silly.  I do not even have to put out the story about my diary that he stole and read, and have others read.  A part of my growing up years that I had to weather in an all boys school.  In reality, I do not even have an ill-feeling about that today.  I cannot recall an ill-feeling about it before too.  There should have been, but it must be buried deep down in me.  Or simply put as forgiven and forgotten.

I love RS, and everyone who has significantly touched my life.  They are the little blocks who molded me to who I am today.  A wrecked bitch.  LOL.

LSS.  Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight". 

Miss

Darkness slowly creeps.
Rain seeps into the cracks
of the roof
of the old shack.
In the corner,
sitting
on the filthy wet floor
I wait for you.
I miss you.

Warmth

Staring blankly
at the flickering light
from the last piece of coal.
I wanted to get closer
before death stabs me
with a kiss
of the cold, cold night.
My body is numb,
I could not move.
Eyes start to get blurry;
tears crystallize
as they fall
along the icy cheeks
of the snow queen.

November

There he stood
in the middle
of the busy street
for a thousand years.
People passing by,
ignoring his reality.
He screams from pain,
yet no one notices.
Death is nothing
compared
to being forgotten.
But
something stronger
has made him stay…

Masks

 

And there he ran,
troubled by his worried mind…
looking around
he saw a crowd of strangers
in masks.
He was alone.
He doubted.
If only he closed his eyes,
he would have felt
the beating
of his trusting heart.
In math,
four is twice two.
But the heart knows
that two
is not twice one…
it is the state
of having a company.

Angel

The air breathes
the faint stench
of an old death.
The only sign of life
are the night crawlers
feeding on the still corpse.
Against the black velvet night
shines my knight’s silver wings.
My angel has fallen…
the battle was lost.
As I leave,
I blew a kiss
from my trembling hands
covered with bloody tears.
I bid my knight
goodbye.

Alexander McQueen

Fashion world mourns as we say our goodbyes to Lee Alexander McQueen. 

The great British designer was found dead at his Victorian house in Mayfair last February 11.   Police stated that death was not suspicious, though they have not confirmed that the death was a suicide.

McQueen was known for his avant garde designs.  His latest looks include the famous hoof shoes worn by Lady Gaga on her "Bad Romance" video.